are they mad at you? Or are you mad at you?

As someone with anxiety, my head often hits the pillow with a list of wrongs– wrong things I’ve said, wrong ways I’ve done something, wrong ways that I’ve shown up in this world. But one of the most common anxious thoughts that I have when I go to bed is, “___ is mad at me.”

It’s scary to even write that down because it makes me feel like a bad person, like those wrongs are true or justified. But they aren’t.

I have never been told by a loved one “you sounded stupid today” or “I’ve decided suddenly, out of the blue, that I actually hate you.” It sounds ridiculous when I say it like that, right? That has never been affirmed in my reality, so why am I constantly worried that people are thinking it?

If this feels familiar to you, let’s dive into it together. When we assume that everyone is mad at us, or thinks we’re stupid, or any of the mean things our anxiety tells us, we do two damaging things:

1. We victimize ourselves.

Think of the energy you have when you feel victimized by something, justified or not. Maybe you feel helpless, or powerless. Maybe you feel weak or depressed. Now think of the energy you hold when you are in control. You feel grounded and steady like a rock that waves crash around. You are grounded and able to live life uninhibited. Which of these options seem like the basis for healthy relationships, with others and yourself?

When we convince ourselves that someone is upset with us, we become the victim. This isn’t helpful in any scenario. If they are upset with us, we are powerless to make change and fix it. If they’re not, we weaken and dim our energy for nothing. 

Now let’s imagine you release this victim mentality. Now, if they are upset with you, you are steadfast in your power. You can take control, apologize, or make change. And if they’re not, you can go about your life in your power without the added stress or negativity. 

We must release the victim mentality that comes with assuming negative things about ourselves. It doesn’t serve us, and we hold the power to let it go. 

2. We create negativity.

When we convince ourselves of any negative thought, that becomes our new reality. So if we think someone is mad at us, we are thinking that about ourselves. That completely changes our perspective. And it has the danger of creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

You can only become as great as you believe you are. The more negative thoughts you have about yourself, the less potential you hold for yourself. When you continue to convince yourself of these negative perceptions, you are the one creating that reality.

We have to trust that we have surrounded ourselves with people who we trust to tell us when there’s an issue. Our loved ones care about us endlessly and they will communicate with us when they need to. We don’t have to assume that they think negatively about us. That is only in their control.

It’s one of the many things in life that is simple, but not easy. So how do we begin working against these negative thoughts?

I don’t know the whole answer to that question, but I do know this. The first step is to remember what it is that you can control. You can control how you see yourself, and you can control how you show up in this world for others. Use this as your superpower, and don’t let your anxiety convince you that you can control others’ perceptions of you. Once you take control of your mindset, you no longer allow your anxiety to create damaging narratives.